My day

I am losing focus of my original goal today. My original goal today was to complete all of my final assignments for the semester. So far I have completed three of the easiest things on my list. I want to think about something else right now. Why do I always want to think of something else than what I am thinking about. It’s hard. What’s hard? I want to type things that will matter and actually help me figure things out. I never figured out the things I was supposed to figure out. 

I went for a jog today and I was very out of breath before I even made it out of my apartment complex. It was really cold outside and I was breathing really hard and salivating intensely. I need to do some laundry and I think that will help me. The symbolism of washing my clothes may or may not have an effect on my mental state. I thought about transformation today. I want to transform. I want to transform into a surfer again. I want to transform into a better, more responsible person. I want to transform into someone who doesn’t have to type these self therapy stream of consciousnesses anymore. 

I want to go outside every day and have a plan to get some exercise. I want to find my own voice and become credible as a person.  I want to not be embarrassed about someone else reading this. I want to be honest with my audience. I want to never feel hungry every again. I never want to feel cold again. I want to fall in love with my girlfriend even more. I want to stop living in my own little world. I need to be motivated. I need to motivate myself. I need to write a novel about motivating myself. I wonder if it would actually work. I need to keep writing like this every day and collect it.  

I don’t want to write anything that is meaningless anymore. I want to write minimally. I want my message to not be stated. I don’t want to state anything that will be stated. I feel tired. I wrote in my bed last night in my moleskin. My hand started hurting and I realized that I couldn’t write as fast as I can on a computer. Or keyboard. I like keyboards. I was always an above average speed typer. I don’t type correctly though. I use my right hand more than my left. On my left hand I use mainly my index finger for letters and sometimes my thumb for the space bar. On my right hand I use mainly my middle finger and index finger. I use my right pinky for the shift key/capitalization. 

On my list of things to do I made a subhead of future. I underlined “future.” Under it I listed “literature, music, love, and happiness.” I guess these are my long term goals in life. I just changed the word “wrote” to “listed” in the previous sentence. I want to have regular feelings again. I want my feelings to come and go naturally. I want to take a nap right now. I have been sleeping too much lately. 

I live next to a dog park. Most mornings I just lie in my bed and enjoy the shit out of sleeping. It’s warm and sometimes I get to dream about sex. Sleep is a great way to escape your conscious feelings. This morning I thought I heard a girl screaming while having sex, but it was really just a dog barking. It was a very strange experience. I think this has happened multiple times. Sometimes while lying in bed I will think I feel my cell phone vibrating under my butt.  Then I will roll over and look for it but it's not there and then I realize that I just farted. It is a very strange experience. I need to get a job.  


I am  never tired. Typing like this makes me tired. Why does reading or typing make me so tired? I don’t like that idea. If I lay down and take a nap right now I will probably wake up feeling all hot and weird. Everyday feels short when you don’t really do anything. Time just wastes like crazy. My shins hurt.